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I am 30 years old make $33.50/hour as a Pediatric ER RN living in Chicago.

Section One: Assets and Debt
Retirement Balance:
Total: $91,377
How I got there: I’ve been working since I was 14 and have always been a “big saver.” I worked full-time during the summer from 15-22 and part-time during the school year. When I was younger, I saved ~50% of every paycheck.
Roth IRA: $65,361 (changes day to day but that’s what it is today)
403(b): $12,273 - this is my employer sponsored plan. I contribute 10% per paycheck and my employer is supposed to match 3% but their contributions have been paused since July 🤪🙄 They plan to restart in the new year but… we’ll see.
Rollover IRA: $13,743
Savings account balance:
Total: $214,552
HSA: $6,200
Money market account: $4,500 - I keep 4-6 months of emergency money in here and invest the rest.
Brokerage: $203,352 as of this morning. In the last year, I’ve received $100K in inheritances ($50K from my grandpa’s death and a combined $50K from the death of my great-grandmother, great-aunt, and the sale of their home. The sale of their home was split between me, my 2 sisters, and our mom [not equally, our mom was left with 70% and my sisters and I each left w/ 10%] - the home sold for just over $400k). So, approximately half is from my own contributions and gains.
M and I are buying a condo or a home this summer and I’ll be using some of this money for the down payment.
Checking account balance: $500
Credit card debt: $0
Student loan debt (for what degree): $0. My parents paid for my first college degree. I took out around $20,000 in federal subsidized loans for my nursing degree and paid them off a few weeks ago.
Car Loan: $325/month. This will be paid off this month. It started at just over $12,000 5 years ago. I could’ve paid it off sooner but my interest rate is just under 1.0% so I did other things with my money.
Section Two: Income
Income Progression:
I worked as a lifeguard from 14-19 and lifeguard manager from 19-22 both at home over the summeschool breaks and in college. I started off making minimum wage and received a raise every year ($0.50/year lol) until I became a manager and then I crossed the $15 threshold. When I graduated college 23-26, I went full-time in my aquatics job making $21/hour and had good benefits because it was a government job. At 26, my BF & I moved to the city so I left my job to go to nursing school and work part-time at a hospital where I made $17/hour. I graduated with my BSN at 28. My first year as a RN I made $28.50/hour and I’m up to $33.50/hour now.
Main Job Monthly Take Home: $3,578 - this is my net pay for the month of November. I’m scheduled at 36 hours/week but my pay varies with shift differential pay on weekends and overtime. I worked one day of OT this month (you'll see it this week) and stayed ~30-45 minutes late a few days throughout the month.
I’m on track to gross $72K this year due to OT and COVID pay (my hospital did 3 months of COVID pay).
Health insurance: $252/month for medical, vision, and dental
403(b): $476/month (more if I work more hours)
HSA: $0 as I’ve hit the max for this year. My employer contributes $250/year.
Disability and life insurance: I don't pay any extra, I just have what my employer offers/covers.
Section Three: Expenses
Rent: $610 split with my boyfriend, M.
Renters / home insurance: M pays
Retirement contribution: $0. I maxed my Roth IRA this year. I try to throw the max in as early as possible.
Savings contribution: I aim for $500/month
Investment contribution: See above
Debt payments: $235/month for my car which will be paid off in December.
Credit card: $95/year for the Chase Sapphire Preferred. I was going to upgrade to the Reserve this year because we travel a lot but then COVID-19 hit and well, nobody in their right mind is traveling.
Donations: Donations are new for me. I donated $500 to political campaigns this year ($250 to Joe and $250 to Act Blue) and another $500 to a local COVID relief fund for hospitality workers. I’ve also signed up to buy Christmas gifts for a local family.
Electric: M pays.
Wifi/Cable/Landline: $100/mo (this includes WiFi, Hulu, and HBOMax - we mooch off of Ms parents for Netflix and we have a free year of Disney+) — this includes WiFi, Hulu, and HBOMax. We mooch off of M’s parents for Netflix and have free year of Disney+
Cellphone: $30/mo for my line on my parents plan. I own my phone outright.
Subscriptions: $7.50/mo for premium Spotify shared with M, $50/year for Prime split with M.
Gym membership: $65/mo the gym, $100/mo for a solidcore membership (4 classes/month), and $14.99/mo for my peloton app subscription (I have an off brand bike).
Pet expenses: We just got a dog so our pet expenses haven’t stabilized yet and I don’t have a good idea what she costs us. I’ve spent ~$200 on her this month and M about the same (between toys, food, 2 vet visits + boosters).
Car payment / insurance: $450/6 months (this was paid a week ago and I’m set until May).
Day 1:
5:00AM: Wake up and head to the kitchen to brew a pot of coffee. While the coffee is brewing, I take my dog out for a quick potty break so she doesn’t wake up M too early. We go back inside and dog goes back to sleep while I get ready for work: pour coffee in my travel mug, throw my lunch together (leftovers), drink the green smoothie I made last night, watch The Office, and brush teeth/do skin routine (cleanse, vitamin c, moisturizer + spf). I’m out the door by 6:15.
7:00AM: Clock-in and check my assignment. I get report from the night nurses and round on my patients. I check for any labs that need to be drawn or meds that need to be given and then sit down to chart until I’m needed/the doctors come around.
10:15AM: I grab a latte from the coffee cart. This doesn’t cost me anything because I earned a free drink with a punch card.
1:30PM: I had a trauma come in and now that he’s stabilized, I can grab some lunch. I’ve got salad with grilled chicken thighs, feta, roasted red pepper, cucumbers, and quinoa for my main dish and Greek yogurt, an apple, and popcorn for sides/snacks the rest of the day.
4:30PM: Pop my popcorn, gossip with one of my BFFs/coworkers and scroll through Reddit before checking on my patients. I’m admitting one to be observed overnight and am just waiting for the room to be ready!
7:30PM: Give report to the night nurses and head home.
8:00PM: I take a quick shower while M finishes dinner (burrito bowls) and we eat together before I pack up leftovers for lunch tomorrow. We take our dog for a short walk and when I get back, I get ready for bed (brush teeth, retinol, moisturize) and I get into bed around 9:15.
Daily Total: $0
Day 2:
5:00AM: Up and at ‘em again. I repeat the same process as yesterday before heading to work.
7:00AM: Check my assignments, round on my patients and draw labs/give meds as needed.
9:15AM: I’ve got a COVID+ kid who is going to be admitted. We don’t have a ton of COVID+ kids in the hospital — most (not all) of them are immunocompromised or have an underlying condition but it is awful nonetheless.
1:30PM: Take my lunch break - I’ve got leftovers from last night (the burrito bowl) and I get myself a diet coke from the vending machine. $0.75 M took the dog to the vet today for a round of boosters so I QuickPay him half the cost $54
7:00PM: Give report to the night nurses and head home. M made BLTs and salads for dinner tonight so I shower up, eat, and get into bed while he takes the dog for her last walk. M works tomorrow so it is my night to wake up with the puppy if (when) she needs to go out.
11:30PM: Puppy needs to be let out.
Daily Total: $54.75
Day 3:
4:30AM: Puppy needs to be let out. We are getting so close to making it through the whole night! I put her back in the kitchen (it’s gated off) and get back into bed for another hour and a half.
6:00AM: Wake up, feed the puppy and get myself a cup of coffee. M is about to leave for work so I get the puppy ready for her walk and I open our parking lot gate for him to get out on our way out. When we get home, we work on some basic commands (sit, lay down, up, down) and that combination really tires her out!
8:00AM: Puppy is snoozing in the kitchen and I’ve got an 8:10 solid core class. I love love love solidcore - it’s low impact but I get such a great workout from it and it has really helped improve my lower back pain! I thought I had some core strength but this class has made me so much stronger.
9:15AM: I walk home from class and make a protein shake (MusclePharm peanut butter cup whey powder + almond milk - I’m not dairy free but too much whey hurts my stomach) and take a shower before taking the dog out for a potty break. I also start a load of laundry and make a small list of groceries we need.
11:30AM: The dog is off in slumberland again so I gate her up in the kitchen before heading to Trader Joe’s. We don’t need a lot of things, just some fresh produce (avocados, greens, fruit), deli meat, and cheese. There’s no line to get in today so I’m in and out in 10 minutes. $48.61
12:15PM: I make myself a ~harvest bowl~ for lunch: roasted sweet potatoes, greens, brown rice, roasted brussels sprouts, goat cheese, chicken breast, toasted walnuts, and a sweet balsamic vinaigrette.
1:00PM: After I eat, I take the puppy out for a walk around the block to get some energy out! When we get home, we work on commands some more and have some playtime before she knocks out for another nap. I also take a nap around this time, haha!
2:45PM: I wake up and the dog is still asleep so I fold the laundry and empty the dishwasher. Once she wakes up, I take her out for a potty break and a sniff walk.
3:30PM: I do some online shopping while watching last nights Housewives (Salt Lake). My birthday is in a few days and I want to do something nice for myself. I’m on the hunt for some pretty, dainty jewelry that doesn’t cost a zillion dollars but am not having any luck. I order a sweater, some earrings, and a pair of jeans from Madewell since I am down a size. WOO! I use my birthday coupon so that, combined with the 30% off deal they’re running, my total comes to $172.83
I do some apartment cleaning between now and when I get dinner started. Wipe down the counters, vacuum the floors, and swiffer, mostly. M cleaned the bathroom and washed the sheets yesterday so I don’t have a ton to do.
5:15PM: I feed the puppy and get our dinner started. I’m making parmesan breaded chicken, parmesan garlic brussels sprouts, brown rice, and a side salad. I put everything in the fridge until M gets home.
6:30PM: I take puppy out for another walk around the block. 5-7 is prime dog-walking hours in my neighborhood so we get stopped a lot for playtime and pets.
8:00PM: M gets home so he showers, we eat, and we take puppy for another walk together before heading to bed. M is working again tomorrow so I’m on overnight puppy duty!
Daily Total: $221.44
Day 4:
12:00AM: Puppy needs to be let out.
5:00-6:30AM: Puppy needs to be let out. I end up getting up at this time since I’m not tired enough to go back to sleep. We see M off to work and I take puppy for her morning walk.
7:00AM: Puppy is snoozing so I head out for a 3 mile run. When I get back, I make myself a smoothie (spinach, frozen fruit, banana, greek yogurt, coconut water, and vanilla whey) and skip the shower because I plan on going to the gym during the dogs next nap.
8:30AM: I take the puppy out for a bathroom break and some sniffing around. There’s another golden retriever puppy on our block and they have some playtime on the sidewalk. When we head back in, we work on commands and have our own playtime before she’s down for another nap.
9:15AM: I head to the gym for some strength training. I took a long time off from the gym and am finally getting my pre-break strength back. I’m keeping my fingers crossed the gyms don’t close down due to COVID again but I’m not optimistic.
10:30AM: I walk home and take a shower before the dog wakes up. I take her outside for a bathroom break and we play when we get back inside. I spend some time scrolling Redfin and Zillow and send M a few condos and houses I like. We’re planning to buy in the summer but we’re not entirely certain if we’ll stay in the city and do a condo or move to a nearby suburb and get a house. My personal preference is a house BUT I’d really be happy with either whereas M would really prefer to stay in the city. Getting the dog might’ve thrown a wrench into things for him, though.
12:15PM: I pack up the pup and we head out to my grandmas house (she lives 25 minutes away). I have a great relationship with my grandma (and my grandpa before he died) and try to pop in on her at least once a week now that she lives alone. I take her to many of her appointments and provide any in-home care she may need. She loves(!) my dog and loved sitting out on the patio watching the dog play with the ball. I picked up Portillo’s for lunch from grandma paid.
3:30PM: The pup and I head home. She is exhausted after running around my grandmas backyard so she sleeps the whole way home and for another hour and a half when we get home. I also take a nap/scroll through Reddit/TikTok/Instagram at this time!
5:00PM: I take the dog out for a bathroom break before getting started on dinner. We’re making steak burrito bowls and M made a yummy-smelling marinade that the steak has been sitting in for a while.
6:00PM: The humans and the dog eat. After we finish eating and cleaning up, we take the dog for a walk around the block. When we get back, we watch a few episodes of Somebody Feeds Phil and I call it an early night around 8. I can sense a migraine coming in so I pop in my abortive and head to sleep to hopefully crush this thing.
Daily Total: $0
Day 5:
I actually forgot to write today. It was a work day and I bought $32.54 worth of gas to fill up my tank.
Daily Total: $32.54
Day 6:
5:00AM: M and I get up. We’re both working today so I get the coffee brewing while he takes the dog out for a potty. We feed the dog and M showers while I take the dog for a walk around the block before dropping her off at my sisters house.
7:00AM: Arrive at work and receive report from the night nurses. I round on my patients and pass meds. I find out I’m doing COVID triage in the afternoon.
12:30PM: I take my lunch break. My birthday is tomorrow so my coworkers treated me to Panera bread and got me a cake! I eat lunch and do some online shopping at Sephora. I’m suffering from some pretty bad maskne and need to step up my game so I order a salicylic acid treatment, and re-up my The Ordinary facial cleanser and amika dry shampoo. $40.63
1:15PM: I’m doing COVID triage for the rest of my shift. This includes temperature and symptom checking for any patient that walks in through the ER doors and keeping potential COVID+ patients away from non-COVID patients. Our visitor policy is limited to 1 visitor per patient (2 for children) so I’m there to enforce that as well (along with security). We’re a busy ER so I’m not alone, luckily(!), so the next few hours go by quickly enough and it’s time for me to head home.
7:30PM: I pick up Chipotle for me & M for dinner. We each get a burrito bowl (steak for me, chicken for him), and we split chips and guac (I have a free guac side in my app). $20.03 I head over to my sisters to get my dog. My sister has a dog as well and said they both just played and napped all day! My dog is exhausted and sleeps the 10 minute ride home and pretty much the rest of the night.
9:00PM: We get ready for bed and watch the second episode of The Queens Gambit. Big fans so far!
Daily Total: $60.66
Day 7:
12:30AM: Puppy needs to be let out.
6:00AM: It’s my birthday! I get woken up by M getting ready for work and he gets me a cup of coffee in bed. The pup and I see him off and we head out for a walk around the block before breakfast.
8:10AM: I treat myself to an extra solidcore class this month to get my sweat on and ring in a new decade. I get a do-rite donut (blueberry crumb!!) afterwards and head home. $25 for the class and $3.07 for the donut
9:30AM: I wake up puppy and take her out for a walk around the block and some playtime with another puppy. When we get home, she falls asleep and so do I.
10:30AM: Pup is still snoozing so I tidy up the apartment a bit. I order the BISSELL Pet Hair Eraser off of Amazon because lugging out my giant heavy duty vacuum drives me nuts and I want something for smaller jobs. $77.16
11:00AM: I wake the dog up and take her outside for a bathroom break. When we come back inside, we work on some commands and play fetch for a bit. My mom and grandma call me to wish me a happy birthday.
12:30PM: My dad and stepmom call to ask what I want for lunch from a local restaurant so they can have it delivered. Turning 30 during a pandemic sucks since I really shouldn’t be seeing family or friends but these small gestures make it a little bit better! I get a kale and brussels sprout salad with grilled chicken and french fries. I also pick up my free birthday drink from Starbucks.
4:00PM: Um… puppy and I have been napping for 3 hours! I can’t remember the last time I napped that long. I take the dog out for an afternoon walk and playtime with my cousins puppy. My cousin lives a few blocks away and also just got a dog so we try to coordinate playtime once or twice a week. My cousin gifts me a bottle of tequila (she knows the way to my heart lol) before we both head our separate ways.
6:30PM: I finish up some laundry and wipe down the counters before M gets home. I scroll through TikTok for what feels like 10 minutes but is really a half hour before feeding the dog and taking her out once more.
8:00PM: M gets home with pizza, cake, and gifts! He got me AirPod Pros and a sweater. We’re going to attempt to go out to dinner on our next day off (2 days from my birthday, one day from posting!) weather-permitting. We watch the next episode of The Queens Gambit and get ready for bed.
10:30PM: Last potty break for the dog. We’re attempting a later last break for the dog in an attempt to get her sleeping through the night. I hope this helps a little!
Daily Total: $105.23
Weekly Total: $474.62
Food + Drink: $72.46
Fun / Entertainment: $0
Home + Health: $102.16
Clothes + Beauty: $213.46
Transport: $32.54
Other: $54 (dog)
This is mostly a normal week for me although my grocery budget is usually a bit higher (I typically spend $65-80/week on groceries for me and M). And, of course, I don't usually buy clothes or beauty products on a weekly basis (especially since I don't *wear* normal clothes lately lol).
submitted by jicamasalsa to MoneyDiariesACTIVE

Alexa! Play Bitches Ain't Shit by Dr. Dre PART TWO

Hello all! I thought I would provide an update on my Entitled Parent neighbors. The ones that complained that my basketball playing children interrupted naptime for their precious baby. Well, their precious baby is a 49 year old man-child that lives at home. There is a link to the original story provided, but I used Halloween to offend them this time. Be well. Be safe, and stay away from the Zombies people!
"If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb your ego and jump to your Intelligence Quotient (IQ)." I don't recall when I first heard the quote, but it perfectly describes the arrogance and entitlement of my neighbors. In all honesty, I am not at all bothered by the pissing matches we have. The only thing that truly angers me is how passive aggressive they are, and how they interact with my children. I strongly urge you to read, "Alexa; Play Bitches Ain't Shit by Dr. Dre" before progressing with this story. I feel the background is important, and it will better help you understand my unique predicament.
Where is the proctologist when you need one? I know there are a couple assholes out there that totally blew past that link. Assholes, like me, that don't require the background. Listen here fuck-head, I will give you a quick rundown of Kevin, and Karen, but I strongly suspect you will eventually read the other story and determine that Sloppy was correct. Feel free to inflate my ego and tell me how correct I was in the comments below.
The Neighbors
Kevin was very friendly when we first moved in. Kevin is 72 years young and is a retired Air Force logistician. Kevin is also so morbidly obese his scale likely reads seven digit phone numbers. Kevin has already undergone two bypass surgeries, but continues to thrive on Chick-fil-A, and other healthy fast food options. I am not a medical professional, but I assume the doctors bypassed his brain, and now Kevin uses the intellectual capacity of his asshole to make critical decisions.
You know what? I am sick of going back and editing Kevin's name. I continue to type "Ken" because his name is fucking Ken. Protecting his identity is not my concern, and I would be more than happy if he accidently stumbled upon this story and realized I can be passive aggressive as well.
Ken is the quintessential "Rules Guy". I live in a golf course community and the Home Owners Association (HOA) was more akin to the Third Reich. I quickly found out that Ken would notify the HOA for every unintentional infraction. Unfortunately, Ken was unaware that I have been gifted with a humorous touch. Susan, the HOA Princess, was very stern during our initial conversations, but now she occasional calls when, "she needs a laugh." I submitted a stunning plan to build a "Hanging Herb Garden" and the HOA loved it so much they jokingly suggest I build five. One for each member of the Board. I fucking did, and I only charged them for the cost of supplies. The HOA is in my pocket, and Ken is now jealous that I am the "Golden Child" and can do now wrong. Cake is my progeny for a fucking reason people!
The thing that bothers me most about Ken is his passive aggressiveness. Ken is at the beck-and-call of Karen, but Ken immediately turns into a fleeing coward when the decibel level of the conversation becomes hostile. My apologies Ken, I typically lose my patience when you openly call my children "heathens" and video record them while they play in my yard.
Karen: This lady is a bitch, and it was evident from our very first interaction. Ken called her name so he could introduce us when I first arrived. She was gardening, and screamed "I don't like meeting people without my makeup." She quite literally looks like Carole Baskin, and no amount of makeup can rectify that mess. Her face has was clearly on the losing end of a bag of hot nickels, and I bet her dildo has a prescription for Viagra.
Karen is the master of chaos, and she thoroughly enjoys terrorizing Cake when my wife and I are not around. Despite being unethical and immoral, Karen legally video taped my children playing outside, on my property. The video recording has subsided, because she cares deeply about her tree, but she is still a bitch. Simply, I fucking hate her.
The Bush
My wife, Cake, and I arrived home from travel soccer on Saturday afternoon. I see Ken watching Karen planting three bushes on the front of heir property. No worries, right? Despite being a bio-terrorist, Cake is also too smart for his own wellbeing.
Cake: (Laughing) She is blocking the bike jump.
Wife: What?
Cake: I used to jump my bike off the curb and into the street. I didn't go on their property though.
OP: Really?
Cake: Yes! I did it yesterday, and now she is blocking it with bushes.
OP: What a...
Cake: Dad. Can I say it?
OP: (Why Not?) Sure.
Cake: Karen is being a real BITCH!
I am not opposed to a verbal altercation, but I had college football to watch, and I didn't have time for petty games. Karen was ass up, and working on the final bush, when she heard my 4Runner door slam closed. I was in the process of removing the soccer gear from the truck when I was passive aggressively prodded.
Karen: This will stop that little shit from jumping.
I knew it was directed at me. She could have uttered it mentally, but she opted to say it loud enough for all of us to hear. My wife rolled her eyes, but I was suddenly in the mood to play petty games now.
OP: Excuse me?
Karen scowled at me. I stared deep into the abyss of her angry eyes, and could clearly see that she lacked civil decency, and a soul.
Karen: What do you want?
OP: I am curious about your comment, and wondering who the "little shit" is?
Karen: Your son. He was jumping his bike off the curb and coming close to our property.
I was now pissed. Words have meanings. Word choice is very, very important in my profession. Word choice can be a matter of legal versus illegal, or subject me to a very hostile audience. I can see that some of you are still in the passenger seat, but the look in your eyes tells me you have no fucking clue where we are going. See below for an example. If you are still blissfully lost after this, I kindly ask you to exit the vehicle.
Post Mission Brief Statement: I Tactically Questioned Johnny Jihad and learned that ISIS fighters wear Hello Kitty underwear and use Velcro gloves for enhance control during Operation Sheep Fucking.
Department of Defense (DoD) Interpretation: Sloppy asked a terrorist some question, and now we know ISIS fighters wear girly underwear and fuck sheep.
Department of State (DoS) Interpretation: Sloppy tortured and waterboarded John, criticized their choice of underwear, and has issues with their sincere love of animals.
Okay, the DoS statement may be a bit embellished, but "Tactical Questioning" has a very different meaning for them. I don't ever say TQ when I am briefing DoS officials at an U.S. Embassy. I simply change TQ to "interview" and everyone is happy. See? Words have meanings.
Back to Karen, that bitch said "close to our property." Cake didn't actually go on her property, he flew over it. Furthermore, we are talking about less than a foot of property. This bothered Karen enough that she decided to block an eleven year old boy, from jumping his bike off my curb, and into the street. That is a coldhearted bitch move. Again, I was suddenly in the mood to play my favorite game, fuck-fuck games.
OP: So, he didn't go on your property?
Karen was about to summon her in bitch and go full-on Carole Baskin.
OP: That is such a bitch move.
I didn't directly call her a bitch, but I insinuated that she was, in fact, a bitch. I knew I was about to awaken the sleeping demon, and I did. Karen screamed back like I just pleasured her ham-wallet with Barrel Cactus.
Ken: Did you just call my wife a bitch?
OP: Ken! You were standing right there. I said it was a "bitch move." I didn't call your wife a bitch.
Ken: Oh. So you didn't call her a bitch then?
OP: (Huge Smirk) I mean, I think we both know the answer to that already, but NO, I didn't call her a bitch.
I then walked my happy-ass into the garage to formulate my revenge. My apologies, but you wont understand what I am talking about next if you failed to read, "Alexa; Play Bitches Ain't Shit by Dr. Dre." However, that is your fault, not mine. Her precious tree, looking like a tree, is a great concern of Karen's. However, that is my ace-in-the-hole. Cutting one-third of her tree lacked proportionality. My revenge had to be smaller is scale, cowardly passive aggressive, and befitting of the situation.
Dear Reader, my brain is fantastical. I "stewed" on my revenge for exactly zero fucking seconds. I had superbly analyzed the placement of her huge ass as she planted the third bush that blocked Cake's Evil Knievel jump. Again, it took zero seconds to ponder my revenge. I simply told the wife that I needed to run an errand and that I would be back in thirty minutes.
My adventure took me near Home Depot. I spend a considerable amount of time there, which made me fully aware of the nearby Spirt Halloween store. It was the location that would assist me in my joyously crafted revenge.
Spirit Halloween Shopping List
  1. Full size skeleton x 1
  2. Crib-midget sized skeleton x 3
I was in-and-out of Spirit Halloween in less than five minutes, but I my mission was not fully complete. I need to battle the Zombies at Walmart as well. I spoke with Ed, the door greater, and happily made my way to the Old Lady Clothes department. JC Penny and Burlington Coat Factory are too classy for Karen; she is People of Walmart. I was not certain I would find the exact outfit she was wearing while she deviously block Cake's ramp, but I would come close.
Walmart Shopping List
  1. Blue Pants
  2. White floral print shirt
  3. Pink Granny-sized/"Period" underwear.
Sadly, I didn't have time for "people watching" at Walmart. I was on a mission people, and I had college football to watch. I returned home and grabbed my tools. I had some gardening to do. I was about to co-garden with Karen. Maybe this would was the first step in breaking down the Berlin Wall? Ken is always at her beck-and-call, but his face dreams of living in West Germany. The wife looked on from the garage. She was watching the adult version of Cake. She had no clue what I was doing, but she knew she needed to intervene before Law Enforcement or Emergency Services were dispatched. I don't know why the wife was on edge, I was clearly about to garden. Seriously, what kind of fucking trouble could I get in while gardening?
I dragged my bucket of garden tools and three skeletons out to the front yard. Cake's ramp was already blocked, so I wasn't doing anymore harm. I dug three holes that symmetrically mirrored Karen's bushes, and then planted the three Crib-Midget-sized skeletons waste deep in the ground. I then immediately learned that Karen likes to garden alone.
Karen: Just what do you think you are doing?
OP: (Smile) Gardening ma'am.
Karen: Those are NOT PLANTS!
OP: You are very observant!!!
Ken: You can't do that without HOA approval.
OP: (Looks up slowly and gaze eye-to-eye) Yeah? How about you KISS. MY. ASS!
I had just raised my voice. It was like shining light on a cock-roach. Ken scurried away into the house. Karen proceeded to berate my gardening capabilities. I am, by no means, an advanced gardener. I just recently learned to look at the "Full Sun, Shade..." labels on the plants I purchase. Karen is a professional gardener, but she refused to offer an advice. She was acting like a total bitch again.
Karen: This is just a mockery. You are white trash. JUST. TRASH.
OP: How much water do you think these need?
Finally! Karen ran into the house. I was not done with my floral-skeleton masterpiece, and the wife was still exactly what the fuck I was doing. I was also still in question about how much water the skeletons would need, but I could Google that later.
Wife: What are you doing babe? Are you trying to piss them off?
Wife: You know Ken went inside to call the HOA right?
Wife: And you know they are going to come right?
OP: YES. I am POSITIVE they are going to come.
Wife: Oh God! What did you do?
OP: I called Susan (HOA Princess) while I was shopping and informed her of my plan.
Wife: What did she say?
OP: That I'm an asshole and she can't wait to see it when I am done.
Wife: What's "it"?
OP: You'll see babe! You'll fucking see!
I had complete filling the dirt around my three skeletons and it was now time for the centerpiece, the coup de grace. I walked to the back of the 4Runner and open the door. My wife was now staring at the skeletal replica of Karen. It was wear a lovely floral printed shirt, blue pants, and a pink panty wedgie that stretched up to its T-12 vertebra.
Wife: OH. MY. GOD. That looks EXACTLY like her.
I then position skeletal-Karen exactly the way I saw her when I first arrived home. The ass was in the air, and she even had a small spade shovel adhered to her hand. The wife not impressed, but also totally impressed. I had just finished positioning skeletal-Karen in the ground when the HOA truck arrived. Skeletal-Karen's ass were clearly obvious, and pointing right at Karen's house.
The amber flashing lights of the HOA truck indicated the "All Clear" for Ken and Karen to exit their house. Karen mounted her invisible dildo-shaped broomstick and flew across the yard like a witch-bitch on a mission.
Susan: (Smiling at me) Oh, I'm sorry. The call was about "landscaping." This does not qualify. If you read Chapter Four, Section Ten about "lies and communist propaganda" it clearly states the homeowner can decorate thirty days prior to Halloween, and has fourteen business days after Halloween to remove all season decorations.
Karen: You're telling me I have to stare at this until the middle of November? This is insane.
Susan: They are Halloween decorations.
Karen: (Scowls at Sloppy) I will be out here celebrating when I watch you take them down.
The End. I really hope you enjoyed my simple act of revenge. That's what I would type if I was a normal person. I am not a "normal person" and I fucking excel at Fuck-Fuck! I know she will celebrate the day I have to take down my decorations. I also know the HOA will give me a Nasty Gram if I fail to comply. BUT...
OP: Susan?
Susan: (Devious Smile) Yes Sloppy?
OP: I am perfectly allowed to decorate for Thanksgiving though, right? For example, what happens if I replace the skeletons with pumpkins, and turn the larger skeleton into a pilgrim?
Susan: (Smile) Perfectly acceptable!
OP: (Giddy with excitement) Then I can change them into elves, and have a gardening Mrs. Claus?
Susan: There are no rules against it.
OP: (Turns to Karen) I fucking LOVE gardening!
Both Ken and Karen retreated into their house. I didn't get to visibly watch their faces, but I could fill their disappointment when Susan came to my garage Man-Cave to share a beer and discuss how much we both equally hate them. I will continue to play the long-game, and keep the tree trimming as my final option. I have other hobbies that I sincerely enjoy, but I always make time for Fuck-Fuck. It is a game that never gets old to me, and I can't wait to send a "Get Well Soon" card to their house when one of them passes away. It's a bit much, I know, but they are truly evil people. Berating an eleven year Cake is simply unacceptable, and she seeks that opportunity when he is playing alone. Oh, well. I was initially disheartened when I slowly learned I had horrible neighbors. The glass half full? It really helps to keep my Fuck-Fuck game up to par.
I hope you enjoyed and I will be sure to update you on my "situation."
submitted by SloppyEyeScream to entitledparents