Divorcis Interruptus - Long intro
I keep wanting to comment but I believe I should post my story first. Hope that's the right move!
STBX (M40) and I (F41) have been married for almost 11 years, together for 13; we have a 6 year old. Three years ago we moved to a new state a couple hundred miles away from most family so he could start a new job. We started MC as we had a pretty dead bedroom since our daughter was born (had trouble TTC, took our sex life on a downturn from which we've never recovered). This was a huge problem for me, and not so much for him. Among other things, we reached a stalemate.
Spring of 2019 (my birthday party in fact, fun times) I was the first to utter the D word, and he didn't fight it. He moved into the guest bedroom. We agreed to a cooperative divorce and had had a couple of meetings with the lawyers, when I suddenly got laid off. Then he got laid off. Summer of 2019 was spent trying to find work (us) and mourning my marriage/life as I know it (me). Winter 2019 he managed to get a job offer back where we used to live. He moved back there, much pain and hurt. But as soon as he left, I felt like I could breathe again. I started to imagine what kind of life I could have. My parents lived near me now so I had childcare and a neat new job myself. We agreed to resume the divorce process in 2020.
ENTER COVID. Where we used to live was an early hot spot. Rather than not see his daughter until who knows when, we agreed he'd move back in (to guest room) for the time being. We now both work remotely and our daughter does virtual school, so we are all together most of the time. During the time we were both out of work, he took on some freelance work which didn't account for income taxes. We got slammed with a huge tax bill, so that is a debt that is being paid off slowly (by him, he makes 3x what I do) so he can't move out.
Here's the rant part; feel free to skip ahead:
I recently discovered he has a girlfriend; I don't know at what point they began their relationship. I am livid. I am so angry that he's here. In my space. In my face. Talking and texting his girlfriend (he doesn't know I know) on the sneak. We are roommates, he's considerate and a great parent but I CANNOT STAND HIS PRESENCE. I hate that he's here, I hate that he got to lock in a new relationship while thanks to a WHOLE ENTIRE PLAGUE I am stuck in single mom with no chance of meeting anyone. I am not open to OLD cause I need a physical spark to be remotely attracted to anyone (part of our trouble was different ways of expressing love - I need physical touch way more than he does). No money to resume the divorce proceedings, and the tax bill still looms large. I want to lose weight - no gym to go to and no privacy to workout. Sharing the kitchen, sharing our daughter's school responsibilities, we are co-parents but it's draining the life out of me.
With the help of IC/life coach, I am starting to make small changes and build my case for him moving the **** out. He only responds to logic. He acknowledges repeatedly how difficult he knows this situation is for me, and is a model citizen (considerate housemate, etc) but as far as he's concerned, emotional turmoil doesn't matter as much as the numbers in budget. I am willing to take on more of the financial burden for him to pay a rent elsewhere. Therapist and I are working on my approach in our next few therapy sessions. I have a wonderful support network of friends, family. But I am terribly lonely and feeling so deprived of love. Aside from a work friend (M30-something) who I enjoy IMing with over the company chat, don't have any social life to speak of (we take Covid seriously).
Also, we need to tell my daughter. We haven't said anything to her about our relationship, and whatever she may think of separate bedrooms, she has accepted this a totally normal and this is how some families live as far as she's concerned so she isn't fazed in the slightest.
Whew OK. That's a lot. Hope to meet some like-minded folx here.
submitted by indoorgirl