Key spammer wow patch

Let's go! Move it!
56 more shitposts!
All right, let's go! Pick it up!
• Let's go!
• Yes, sir!
You're running out of time, Jacktheunpleasent!
Make it all the way around the track! Come on!
You want to be Shitposters? You better move it!
All right, next, get up here!
Let's hit it now.
BotOfBadTimes, come on!
All right. You've all completed the written exam.
However, you must now pass the obstacle course
to be admitted into the training program.
And remember, survive this,
and you're on the front lines of keeping /JonTron safe.
Yeah.
Sorry about the test, TurtleTitan.
We all have our crosses to bear, sweetheart.
Mine is named Gold Flair.
Well, that's why you always have to have mspaint nearby.
Are you gonna have a watch?
Not tonight, Sans1kal.
Just kidding. Yeah, I'm gonna watch a video.
You...
No, I meant now, Sans1kal. Get the video now.
• Okay.
• You said it,
and I just kind of got that stuck in my head now,
and can't really get it out. /JonTron. Here we go.
It really helps heal.
And, you know, not always, but sometimes,
you gotta do like the kids say, and just say, "skull and crossbones 156."
Kids don't talk like that.
Some do, sweetheart. The older ones, okay?
I hear them in the /JonTron. You know?
Gold Flair.
It just fills the cracks of the heart.
Go away, pain.
• What?
• TurtleTitan.
Oh, no. Come on, Sans1kal.
I'm not ready for this right now.
• TurtleTitan.
• Please.
We just don't want to see you go through another holiday alone.
But I'm not alone.
I've got you two. You know?
And besides, Halloween’s coming,
so my shitposting gonna be pretty full.
What? It's the busiest shitposting day of the year.
Yeah, I should have known better than to try to explain it to civilians.
I wish I had a coworker here, like, "FaultyFloorboard, hey. You know, Halloween’s coming."
"Gee, TurtleTitan, you don't have to tell me Halloween‘s coming.
"Why do you think I've been walking around here
"with the eyes of an eagle?"
• We prepare.
• TurtleTitan, what does all that have to do
with being happy for the rest of your life?
You said, and I quote, "If I don't have a Gold Flair by November,
"I'll let you sign me up for perfectgoldflair.com."
That was last year.
Okay.
• Here we are.
• Okay.
"What are you looking for in a perfectgoldflair.com?"
Well, my Gold Flair certainly had something special.
Yeah, illegal Gold Flair status.
She got you, got stolen, and then she left us.
That's not entirely true.
We did have some good times back when she was there.
• Well, I hate her.
• Well, you shouldn't.
• She gave me you.
• I am pretty great.
• You are. You are.
Okay, next question. "Tell us about yourself."
Let's see.
I know a lot about memes.
Let me stop you right there.
Well-built and a great shitposter.
Awesome, Sans1kal.
Not as awesome as this.
What are you doing?
Beefing up your profile with that nifty video that you Sans1kal made a few years back.
Sans1kal, no.
I don't know. Don't you think it's a little too, "Hey, look at me"?
Well, that is exactly what we want.
Eyes on the prize.
And don't worry, I will edit out the shitty parts.
Dear God!
Hey! Back away from the vehicle.
Oh, dear God. Please.
Chompers, get down!
Hey, you know where a men's room is?
I do. You're gonna want to go to /circlejerk.
They got 12 stalls and heated seats.
Okay, keep the balls in the pit, kids. Kids!
Okay, my lip is numb.
All righty.
• There you go.
• Thank you.
Hey.
Yeah, I know.
That's not supposed to be here. It's a minivan.
... he can't handle it. The puck travels to the far board...
He keeps the play alive.
• TurtleTitan!
• Hey.
What is this?
That's my report on how to ease traffic flow from Normalboots
down through the specialty shops.
• How's that working out for you?
• Actually, it's for all of us.
You see, if we could reroute the customers away from the food court,
it's gonna help the kiosks and cut down on shopper frustration.
It's your classic two-bird, one-stone scenario.
• Can I ask you something?
• Anything.
Why can't you just punch in, shut up and punch out like the rest of us?
Fun never takes a holiday.
Did your mom crochet that on a pillow?
TurtleTitan.
This is GrantVSZombies. He's a new trainee. Let him trail you today.
Hey. TurtleTitan. Ten-year veteran.
Wow. GrantVSZombies.
Well, GrantVSZombies , welcome to the show. Let's mount up.
Oh, yeah. That's the good stuff.
That's it. Treat her gentle, son.
Slap it, honor it.
So what made you want to pursue shitposting?
I never finished high school. This is all I could get.
Yeah, I'm currently working on becoming a moderator, myself.
Right now, I'm goose egg for eight. Gold Flair.
Confusing, right? Cut yourself some slack.
My first week riding on the job, I got lost behind the /JonTronCircleJerk.
They found me later in the fetal position, sporting a full beard.
I'm kidding. I can't grow a beard.
My uncle can. Stay snug.
Now, in the event that you approach an assailant,
here's what I want you to do. You're gonna pull up,
left hip forward, placing your right hand on your away hip thusly,
giving the illusion that you have a Gold Flair. Which, of course, we both know
you don't.
Okay? But you know what we do have?
Our voices! We have our voices.
If you remember one thing from today, it's this.
The shitpost is the only weapon that doesn't need a holster.
Right. Awesome. How long do we get for lunch?
Half hour. But I eat in 20, which leaves me five minutes for social time,
five minutes to get refocused.
We got a high roller.
Sir, I'm gonna need you to pull to the right.
Please pull to the side, sir. Out of traffic.
Tan jacket, red scooter, please pull to the right, out of traffic.
Sir.
Thank you.
Driving kind of recklessly back there, sir.
You're kidding.
I don't joke about shopper safety.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to issue you a citation.
Gonna need your first and last. Last first.
Sir. Sir. Sir, sir, sir.
Please don't make this more difficult than it needs to be, okay?
Are you able to... Sir. Sir! Sir. I am warning you, sir.
You're pushing it.
Sir. Sir. I am warning... Sir.
Sir. Sir. Sir.
Okay.
This is adding up, sir. He'll be back. He'll be back. He'll be back.
• Hey.
• Hi. Do you need something?
Yes. I'd like to welcome you to our subreddit.
Well, thank you.
Is there something else?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Just looking for some photo editors.
Need a little more contrast up top. Do you do men?
Do you do men clients? Do you do men clients? On the men?
Are you the guy that crashed into the minivan?
I don't think so. Which one?
Well, that one. That one right there.
Yeah. That one, yes. That... You know, that one was me.
• Oh, wow. Are you okay?
• Oh, yeah. Never better.
Although they're docking the paycheck pretty good.
Yeah.
You know what you should do? You should get the security tape,
and then, like, sell it to one of those shows, you know, where people crash into stuff.
• Hello, early retirement.
• Yeah, right?
Volume. Right, let me just see what I've got.
Yeah, this is TurtleTitan. If you need me, I'm over by the photo editors.
Who is this?
It's Shitposter TurtleTitan, reporting from /JonTron.
What the hell are you bothering me for?
• Just a Code B check.
• What a moron.
You know, I'll check in with them later. It's pretty intense.
Oh, right, yeah. Life of a Shitposter.
• What, what?
• No, it's just that you said Shitposter,
and it's perfectly acceptable...
I'm so sorry if I called you the wrong thing.
No, no, no, no. You did fine, you know?
It's just that there's a huge, huge controversy
brewing in the industry right now,
whether the title should be Funposter or Shitposter.
I'm sure you heard about it.
• I didn't.
• You will. You're gonna.
• But I'm sure I will.
• It's out there.
So, you all set for the busiest shitposting day of the year?
Yeah, right. And the worst day for a birthday.
This year, it falls on a Halloween, which means I probably won't even get a card.
Everyone's too busy Trick-or-Treating.
You know what? Yeah. Autumn Ash.
• Yeah.
• I think that's your color.
• I think this'll work.
• It's a winner.
• So that's $1,000,000,000.
• $1,000,000,00?
• Yeah.
• Wow.
At those prices, now you got me thinking I should continue to use mspaint.
All right. Thank you.
Thank you.
• Right. So there you go.
• Okay.
And, there you go.
Thank you, Gold Flair.
Thank you, shitposter TurtleTitan.
Hey, TurtleTitan. Wow, nice shirt.
You went with a medium?
It's a bit formfitting,
but that's 'cause we're required to witty comments under our...
No. Not buying it. No.
'Cause I don't see any comments underneath here, so...
No, but it's a thick T-shirt. Basically like /JonTron they have you wear.
Nope. Nope. No.
I don't understand why you're laughing. I just called you fat.
I'm not laughing.
Yeah, whatever. Gold Flair.
Hey, everyone's going to https://www.youtube.com/useJonTronShow, and I want to see you there.
Okay? We're gonna split some onion strings.
Wow. Wow.
Good.
Good hang.
Wow, yeah. That's great.
Hey, TurtleTitan, they need you at /JonTron/new.
Okay, roger that.
Okay, I gotta go.
Okay. Bye.
• I found it first.
• No, you didn't.
Ladies. Problem.
What's the genesis?
She's trying to take the last twerk flair in this size.
There's gonna be a new shipment tomorrow. They'll be here by noon.
Well, I need this one now. I have a date tonight.
Really? Is he blind?
Whoa! Waterproof shoes and Baggies on the socks.
Not my first rodeo.
Okay, ladies, need to see some ID.
No, you don't.
Ma'am, I should warn you, I do have the authority to make a report.
So does anyone. I could report you right now.
• That's true. She could.
• Hey, not talking to you. Okay?
Can I see you for a second, please, ma'am?
Look, I understand your sensitivity.
I've had some issues with posting myself.
• Are you calling me crap?
• No. No, no, no, no.
I'm just saying I've been down that road.
I mean... I mean, I'm still on it. We both are, you know? Stranded.
Let's face it, we shitpost to fill a void, right?
But as soon as I started lessening,
I noticed I wasn't so moody.
And PS, your skin's gonna clear up.
• Can you hold onto these?
• Sure.
Ma’am.
You...
She's got tremendous upper body strength.
Backup! Backup!
She's biting my neck. She's biting my neck.
Backup!
Backup! Backup!
Look, I know you're new here and all,
but "backup" seems like a pretty universal term.
Hey. Can I give you a lift?
What, on that?
With an inexperienced driver I would recommend no,
but with me, you'll be as safe as the President.
I don't know. Couldn't that get you fired?
Yes, it could.
Okay.
• Is this all right?
• Absolutely.
And here you go. Safe and sound.
• '65 Mustang.
• Yeah.
Fun fact for you, a lot of people think the Mustang was named after the horse.
It was actually named after the P-51 Mustang.
• That's a plane.
• I didn't know that.
Well, thank you for the ride, TurtleTitan. That was so much fun.
No problem.
Listen,
if you ever, you know, need rides anywhere,
Dispatch, they can get me. You know.
• Or we could just text each other.
• Yeah.
• Yeah, give me your cell phone.
• My cell?
Yeah, and I'll punch my number in.
Left it in the casuals. You know what?
Just give me your number and I'll remember it.
• Okay. Ready?
• Yep.
• All right. 555...
• Not yet. Just...
Now I'm ready.
• 555...
• 555...
...01... ...01...
...78. - Eight. Got it.
That's it. It's locked.
Great, so I'll see you tonight at https://www.youtube.com/useJonTronShow, right?
Yeah, I mean, everybody's going, so...
• Yeah. ...why not me, too? I'll be...
Yeah, I'm there.
• Great. Bye.
• Okay. Bye.
• Hey.
• Hey! Hey. Glad you made it, TurtleTitan.
Good to be here.
• Fun fact for you...
• This place sucks.
• You want to get out of here?
• No.
I'm sorry, what were you saying?
No, I was just saying that
the first https://www.youtube.com/useJonTronShow actually opened its doors in 2011.
And most people, because of its humor and theme,
think that it's derivative of AVGN, but it's not.
It's its own thing.
You really know a lot of facts, TurtleTitan.
Hey, TurtleTitan, I heard you got your ass handed to you by a fat chick at /JonTron/new.
Well, I don't hit women,
• so I don't even know what...
• Yeah. Just minivans, right?
Hey, why don't you go over to the bar and grab yourself one of those girly drinks?
• I'll meet you over there.
• Okay. Does anybody else want a drink?
• 'Cause SegataSam's buying.
• No, no, no. They're good. They're good.
• So... They're good.
• Okay.
Hey, listen, I... We're basically already together, so...
I wasn't... I didn't even realize that.
• And I was... I wouldn't... Doing anything.
• Yeah.
I just want you to grab a hold of it, tight.
• Okay?
• I got it.
I mean, it's not like you really had a chance, okay?
Moderator? Really.
But you're a pen salesman, dude.
Yeah, and I just bought a Gold Flair, so you can eat me.
All right, bro. Back off. You know, we're all just here having fun.
Okay, bro.
What?
Hey, thanks for getting my back there, brother.
Security blood runs deep between... Yeah, let's just go.
• Round six.
• Let's do this thing.
• Gentlemen ready?
• No.
Not yet. Now I'm ready. Okay.
And, go!
Leon, I can't give you the Heimlich, so you better chew.
I know.
Told you, boy. You better hurry up.
There you go. Nachos in my face.
Oh, my God. These peppers. The peppers are hot.
Oh, my God. Oh, that's a hot pepper.
Nachos are good, man.
Better inform all your friends, boy. Nachos about to be gone.
You're lagging behind.
Come on, TurtleTitan. Playing games.
I love these nachos, I'll tell you that much.
• That lemonade is insane.
• Yeah, TurtleTitan.
• That's because it's a Margarita.
• No. I don't drink.
Twist it.
Feel the nub.
• Hey, you want some? Here.
• Yeah.
You want fruit?
Bye! You blinked! You blinked.
Time to pluck the grape from the vine.
Still got the Baggies! Hot jiggity.
Coming on the left.
False alarm.
Told my mom everything about us.
What are you talking about?
You're acting coy. Come on. It's natural.
You know. You so know.
No, I'm sorry, TurtleTitan. I don't know.
Snap. Pop goes the weasel.
So happy!
Yeah!
Yeah!
I believe in magic!
No way!
I'm sorry it didn't work out, dear.
It's fine, Sans1kal.
• Hey, TurtleTitan, why don't we check for spammers?
• Yes.
Yeah, I don't think so, sweetheart. I think I'm just gonna turn in.
Well, how about something special for lunch tomorrow to cheer you up?
I don't think so, Sans1kal. It's fine.
If something's gonna work, it would be the high karma shitpost.
But that would probably... You know.
You know, if you're doing the low quality post, do the Hercules one.
But it... Whatever, you know. Well done. Yeah.
Gold Flair. Hey.
TurtleTitan. I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
There are other fish in the sea.
You just gotta keep looking.
And it doesn't Matter what you do.
Because once someone takes the time to get to know the real you,
all bets are off.
If it doesn't work out, you'll always have us.
I'm sorry, sweetie, I popped my ears. I didn't hear a word you were saying.
You just have to...
Is that a text-post?
I... Yeah, yeah, it is.
When did you get it?
• I got it last night.
• What is it?
It's the removal count.
I don't drink.
• Hey.
• Hi.
That was
a little weird the other night, huh?
Yeah, you know, it had its moments. Yeah.
Was one of them when I tried to make out with your purse?
You see, alcohol instantly turns to sugar in the blood.
And what happens is the capillaries...
Yeah, look. A lot of people...
Pretty much everybody, you know, tends to write me off.
And if you did, too, believe me, I get it.
I just... I guess what I'm asking is that you don't.
Okay. You know, I'm sorry, I've just...
I've gotta cash my paycheck before the bank closes. I'm...
No problem. maybe we could talk later or something?
• Yeah, sure. You could just text me, or...
• Okay.
• Yeah.
• I can do that. I can do that.
You know, TurtleTitan, everybody texts these days.
I can't believe you don't have a cell phone.
I'm not about all this technology, Purge2202.
I prefer face-to-face interaction or a nice handwritten sentiment.
Couple of hundred of them bucks?
I dug myself into a really deep hole with this girl, you gotta help me. Please.
TurtleTitan, you've always been a straight shooter, so I'll tell you what.
Why don't you take my papersorplastics’ Gold Flair?
• No, I can't do that.
• No, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm punishing her.
No. What with all the parties and that ex-boyfriend OfficialMSPainter,
she went over her minutes.
When and if she decides to turn her life around, I'll simply take it back.
Until then, you use it.
• Thanks.
• Sure.
• Stay within the minutes.
• Of course.
Hey. It's too late to go in that way, guys. It's closed.
• No one's going in there.
• Yeah. I think we are.
Hey, yo, TurtleTitan. Come here, man.
Look, I know you been feeling down, so I got this for you.
"The Devil's Crotch."
Feel the burn, baby.
• Thanks, Leon.
• Get back at me, man.
• Loading dock's ready.
• Got it.
Yeah.
You need a pen, don't you?
You know what? No, I'm good.
• I'll just use one of their pens.
• Yeah, you do.
Yes. The Summit 5280 fountain.
• That's stunning.
• Yeah, I know.
How would you like to sign your name with this panther?
You know what? More than anything.
• Yeah, that'd be great.
• Here. Yeah.
It's yours. I insist.
Oh, hey, guys.
• Hey.
• Hey.
• Hey.
• Don't you just love Fridays?
• Yeah.
• Best night of the week.
Yeah.
• Excuse me. Sorry.
• Hey.
TurtleTitan. TurtleTitan, can you help me out?
I need to shoot over to the bank for a minute.
There's a few kids inside, just finishing up their games.
Could you close up the arcade for me?
• Yeah, sure. No problem, xandan.
• Okay.
• You okay? You seem a little down.
• Yeah, I'm fine.
You know, video game might cheer you right up.
Nah, I'm on duty.
Welcome to the games!
Get set.
Go.
Foul. Foul.
Foul. Foul.
Foul. Foul.
Foul. Foul. Foul. Foul.
Game over.
We are ready.
Let's do this.
Attention shoppers.
Please make your way to the nearest exits.
Unfortunately, the subreddit will be closing early.
• Everybody out!
• Everybody out!
Everybody out, now!
You, too!
Hi. Hey! Hey! You got me...
I'm at the /JonTron.
Hey, yo. Hey, there's some crazy-ass people trying to take over the subreddit.
• I'm out of here.
• Everybody on the floor!
Tell them to bring SWAT. There may be hostages.
What are you doing? Get down.
Oh, my God.
Surprised? I know.
But here's the craziest part.
I'm the leader.
Reports are, they're inside the bank and they got hostages.
This is warnzz. I need four units around the back to secure the perimeter.
See if we can establish visual. Report back to me immediately.
Let's get all these civilians out of here.
See if we can gain access into the loading dock.
• Go.
• I'm on it. 94, move 'em out.
Hello?
Feeling alive?
I'm sorry?
PaperorPlastics.
She makes you feel alive, doesn't she?
This must be OfficialMSPainter. OfficialMSPainter, no, I'm not with PaperorPlastics.
My name's TurtleTitan.
PaperorPlastics's father took her cell phone away, and he lent it to me.
Do not lie to me, TurtleTitan. Do not lie to me.
You are probably sweating over her right now.
I'm not lying.
I mean, I am sweaty, but I'm not sweating over anyone.
That woman is like an angelic goddess who only brings goodness to this world.
Plus, she has some crazy sexy flair.
TurtleTitan, the pain of this breakup is far too much for me to bear, man.
OfficialMSPainter, no one can blame you for being upset.
I mean, the holidays are tough enough without adding heartbreak to the mix.
Wow. Them's some heavy words, TurtleTitan.
Hey, life is heavy.
Indeed. Now, you are at the subreddit, huh?
So why do you not head over to /JonTron,
call up my friend Sameer Oh?
Tell him you are now my homeboy. He will hook you up.
Wait a second. How'd you know I was at the subreddit?
I track PaperorPlastics's Gold Flair with GPS. Don't you judge me.
Closing time already.
Okay, there are 223 shitposts in this subreddit.
Here is a list of the 15 that I need you to hit.
And 15 for you.
Okay.
Now this is the key to retrieve the codes from each store's credit-card machine.
They change every day, so make sure
that you bring me back the codes for today, Friday.
GrantVSZombies, six guys in standard formation, just like you said.
Perfect.
Bomb! Bomb! Bomb! Bomb!
And these little piggies went all the way home.
Do it.
Gary usually delivers the leftovers to the Mission.
Hey, everyone. A couple requests.
Kindly tie up the person beside you, keep your mouths shut,
give up your cell phones, and as a general rule, do as I say.
You do all these things... Well, you'll be back at home in no time.
Back to your mediocre lives.
• I don't have one.
• Gold Flair.
I was hoping that you and I could have a whole Bonnie-and-Clyde thing going on.
You know, minus dying in a hail of Gold Flair fire, of course.
What do you say?
Go to hell.
Ouch.
Hey, SegataSam, you don't mind that I'm hitting on your Gold Flair, do you?
What? No. She's not my Gold Flair.
But I specifically heard you say that you two were "basically together."
No. I didn't say that we were together. I said that she's into leather.
Have at it. If you...
God, you're an idiot.
Hello?
This is warnzz of the /JonTron subreddit.
• Who am I speaking with?
• Hi.
Yeah, well, so here's the deal.
As you learned the hard way, I have motion sensors by all the doors,
so if you wanna enter my subreddit,
you might as well bring at least six body bags.
He's drilling the safe, and they have eyes on us.
See if we can tap into the security cameras.
Now look, no one's gonna try and enter the subreddit.
Is there anything you need? Do you need any food? Do you need any water?
Oh, man. This dude doesn't deviate from the book at all.
You know, since you're asking, I would love a special flair,
you know, but... make sure the flair is golden,
'cause I already have the removed one.
Okay, okay, now what is it you really want?
Silence.
Hey, I'm sorry, subreddit's closed,
but I can help you find the nearest exit if you just tell me where you parked.
Sweet mercy.
This is not happening, this is not happening, this is...
Oh, God. All right, think, TurtleTitan, think.
Now what are you trained to do?
Nothing.
Detect, deter, observe, report. I gotta report it. Reporting it.
Yo, we got a straggler.
• It's a shitposter.
• What should we do?
I don't know. Give up, I guess.
Guys, what is wrong with you? We stick to the plan.
We got a 911 operator connecting us with some guy named TurtleTitan.
He says he's a shitposter in the subreddit.
Hey. TurtleTitan? He's one of my guys.
TurtleTitan, this is warnzz of /JonTron subreddit.
The subreddit has been taken over, and they have hostages.
I need you to exit the building immediately.
We don't need any wild cards in this situation.
Copy that. Never been a wild card.
Unless you consider the game of Uno wild.
• TurtleTitan! Can we focus here, please?
• Yes. Yes, sir. On my way out.
Okay, okay. Come on, don't die. Don't die.
TurtleTitan.
Don't pee. Don't pee.
Guys, motion detector just went off at Door 9. Everybody on it.
Gold Flair.
What the hell is he doing? Come on!
• TurtleTitan, come on!
• TurtleTitan, come on!
• What's he doing?
• Come on, TurtleTitan!
TurtleTitan, come on!
• Let's go! Move it!
• Come on! Come on!
• Get out of there!
• Come on!
Is he crying?
• I can't leave her.
• Where's he going?
• TurtleTitan!
• Where's he going?
TurtleTitan, get back! Will you talk to him, please?
TurtleTitan, this is warnzz. What's going on?
Sir, I took a sworn oath to protect this subreddit and all inside it.
What oath? We don't have an oath.
I sort of made up my own. It's on a plaque in my room.
Listen, I think making a big mistake.
Mods on the way.
And I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, you're untrained, you're unarmed,
and let's face it, son, you present a huge target.
With all due respect, sir, I can't observe and report from the outside.
Over.
Well, Sergeant, looks like you got your eyes on the inside.
Gold Flair, TurtleTitan here. Are you still in the subreddit?
Send.
Got him.
Oh, my God. Oh, God.
Think. Think. Think, think, think, think, think, think, think! Think!
Hold it together.
Heart of a warrior.
I missed lunch.
Thank you.
This isn't happening, this is not happening.
Hey! Don't make this hard.
You like that?
warnzz, I took out a spammer, but the guy, he ran away.
• Wow, TurtleTitan, you got one.
• Yes.
But let the record show, I did not hit a woman. I just...
I put all my pressence on her.
Oh, TurtleTitan.
No, no, no. She's fine, she's fine.
Well, good, let's get you out of there.
No can do, sir. I am gonna finish what I started.
What the heck is this?
Give me that.
TurtleTitan, this is warnzz again.
Since you refuse to come out, I'm gonna need you to go into the bank
and find out where they're holding the hostages.
With honor, sir.
Good to know.
Hey, I haven't heard back from Donner or Vixen.
Okay. I'm calling an audible here, everyone.
And I need to get this subreddit locked down from the inside immediately.
Why don't we just start wasting hostages? That'll stop them.
Well, that's one way to go, but our hostages are the only thing keeping the cops outside.
I'm warnzz. My team is deploying. I need this location secured.
• We got a three-block perimeter...
• Establish a perimeter
and get all these people out of here.
Whoa, whoa, this is all done already.
My men are gonna do it again, the right way.
Have your guys fall back, now. Have there been any demands?
• A Gold Flair and absolute silence.
• Well, let's make some noise.
I got snipers at the ready, communications in check.
Let's tap into security now, and let's get some visuals.
You can't. They knocked out the video cameras.
I'll be ready to take on-scene command in three, two, one. I'm in charge.
warnzz, I'm observing the bank now.
They got one assailant guarding the hostages.
There she is.
My, God. You are my angel pie.
Here come the love sweats.
TurtleTitan, your radio's still on.
Roger that.
• What's going on? Who is that?
• We got a guy on the inside.
Don't tell me one of your beat cops is trying to be a hero.
No, he's neither. His name is TurtleTitan. He's one of my shitposters.
• Wait a minute. TurtleTitan?
• Yeah.
• TurtleTitan?
• Yeah.
Are you kidding me? We used to abuse that loser in high school. Give me that.
TurtleTitan.
This is Moderator TanookiSuit3. /JonTron.
We went to high school together. Remember?
I set you on fire at the pancake festival?
Oh, yeah. Hey, Tanooki.
Go Green Hawks.
Yeah, listen. I've got 56 highly trained, armed professionals out here.
At my command, we are retaking this location,
and there's no way I'm compromising this mission so that some subreddit monitor
who used to eat lunch with his imaginary friend can screw it up.
Sorry, TanookiSuit3, I had the button pressed. All I heard was "lunch" and "friend."
Could you do me a favor and put Chief warnzz back on?
Listen to me, TurtleTitan,
you are no longer communicating with warnzz. Is that clear?
Hello?
Hello?
Yeah? Oh, hey, TurtleTitan, how you doing?
Well, it looks like they moved the hostages into the teller area.
I'm gonna get a closer look.
GrantVSZombies.
There he is!
• Everyone in the back room, now!
• Come on, move, move!
Let's get in the back, huh?
warnzz. I lost visual on the hostages. I couldn't get them out.
But I know who the leader is. It's GrantVSZombies.
GrantVSZombies? The trainee?
• No. The brainee.
• I don't believe this.
I'll pass it on to Howard.
Oh, God.
Trapped is fine by me.
Commence tanning. Three, two, one.
Yeah!
Yes!
Time for some big-game hunting.
Open, open, open! Thank God.
Oh, no.
Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! We get it!
Get him! Get him! Get him!
You better run.
• Rudolph, where are you?
• I'm about to end this.
Gold Flair, huh? What a coincidence.
We got a cute little redhead down at the bank named Gold Flair.
• Strawberry blonde, actually.
• Yeah?
Well, I guess I know who I'm killing first.
• Catch you later!
• Yeah?
Well, it looks like you just ran out of subreddit.
It'll be over quick. She won't feel a thing.
You aren't gonna touch her, but you are gonna feel this.
Nobody wins with a head butt.
• Give me your cell phone.
• I don't have one.
What are you talking about? Every kid has a cell phone.
I prefer handwritten sentiments.
Who are these shitpostss for? And who gave you this?
They're mine. I'm late for my shift at the Discord.
We're getting the leader on the horn. He wants to talk to you.
Silence, my ass.
What's the matter? Throw a few jabs your way,
you curl up in a corner, suck your thumb?
If you don't go toe-to-toe with that scumbag,
he's gonna roll over on you all night long.
It's all right. That's not my style.
Well, just in case, I wrote down a couple of clever comebacks, like...
Here.
This is what you been doing?
"Yeah, you and what army?"
• What's wrong with that?
• He has an army.
Everyone deserves a card on their birthday.
So when you and Rudolph were laughing it up back at the crib
about how easy all this was gonna be, were you guys like,
"man, any brain-dead subreddit moderator that gets in the way is gonna get smoked"?
And then... And then what? You guys all high-fived?
• GrantVSZombies, this guard is...
• Winning! I know this, because I am all set!
But sadly, no codes!
And I'd say, considering all the luxury items that I have stacked up
in my Amazon shopping cart, situation unacceptable!
No, no, no, no, no, no. He looking.
Give me a Gold Flair.
Put it down. Put it down.
What are you nodding about?
I was just wondering, were you serious about that Gold Flair?
It isn't coming, is it?
What?
This is TurtleTitan TanookiSuit3, /JonTron.
You wanted to speak to me?
I just wanna make sure that no one does anything stupid.
You should know my men are deployed and ready to bring this thing to a resolution.
The easy way or the hard way.
That is such a tough call, but...
Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and go with C, none of the above!
I'm Gold Flair, by the way.
• Gold Flair? From unbeWEAVEable?
• Yeah.
I'm Gold Flair. TurtleTitan talked forever about you.
And I gotta say, he really does like you.
I'm gonna throw up.
Oh, that's not so bad.
Oh, my God.
They've got his Gold Flair.
• TurtleTitan?
• Gold Flair.
• Everything's gonna be okay.
• How's your karma?
Don't worry about me, okay? I'm worried about you.
I love you. All right, now, I'm gonna get you all out.
You just hang in there, okay, sweetie?
I will. I'm TurtleTitan, remember?
Yeah. I'll see you soon.
I'm supposed to be on my way to the JonTron Discord with the hostages.
And where the hell is Rudolph? He should be back by now.
"If GrantVSZombies gets the codes, he's taking us to JonTron Discord"?
Well, GrantVSZombies GrantVSZombies, welcome to the show.
Come and get me, GrantVSZombies.
I got your codes for the credit-card machines.
• Yo, you hear that? That's TurtleTitan, baby!
• TurtleTitan?
That's who's been screwing all this up? You have got to be kidding me.
Give me a radio.
Let me tell you something.
You take hostages in my subreddit, you are making a big mistake.
You seriously undermissed...
And you seriously...
Oh, no!
TurtleTitan?
Sugar. Sugar.
TurtleTitan? You there, TurtleTitan?
Hello, TurtleTitan. You there?
Hey, TurtleTitan!
I was hoping we could get an ETA of when you're gonna give up.
How about now?
I'll meet you on the corner of Ne and Ver.
Yeah, you heard me. Never!
All right, TurtleTitan.
Hey, fellas! You looking for me?
Come on. Come on, come on. Come on.
Follow me.
There he is.
We got him trapped in Cablinorb Cafe.
Great. Wait for me. You know, my mom always said,
"If you want something done right, waste the guy yourself."
I'm paraphrasing, of course. You stay here.
Prancer, take the back.
Hey, you. Scuba Dooby-Doo.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Can I have my codes now, please?
Why? No codes, no JonTron Discord?
Looks like TurtleTitan TurtleTitan turned into quite the badass.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Relax.
No.
One thing I know is TurtleTitan TurtleTitan is not a badass.
Comet! Don't come back till he's dead!
warnzz. Only one more left. Then it's just me and GrantVSZombies.
Okay, who's talking to TurtleTitan?
Was it you, sugar mouth?
All right. Let's try this again.
Wait! No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no!
It's her phone, it's hers. She's talking to him.
She's talking to him, and I told her not to. And it's under her leg.
The phone. Her right leg. Right there. That's good.
Okay.
That was close.
He is a pro.
Listen, TurtleTitan, time's up. We're busting in.
Wait! Look, GrantVSZombies's after the credit-card codes, and I got them.
Just give me a few minutes.
No problem.
Isn't that cute?
• Hey, Gold Flair. I'm on my way.
• Oh, hey, TurtleTitan.
Wow. Our boy Stuart just turned me on to your profile
on goldflair.com.
"Likes morning rain, walks on the beach."
Who are you, Olivia Newton-John?
I was just speaking from the heart.
Yeah, well, I didn't have to go online, TurtleTitan, to know that you love peanut brittle.
You're so pathetic.
Trippy.
This I can use.
What do you want, GrantVSZombies?
I just want the $30 million that I came here for.
But, you know, I would settle offing your Gold Flair, or maybe your Gold Flair.
You touch them, I swear I'll end you.
What're you gonna do, TurtleTitan?
You gonna pull up with your left hip forward giving the illusion that you have a Gold Flair,
which you and I both know you don't?
• I could.
• You're not gonna do squat.
The next time I see you, TurtleTitan, I'm gonna put a ban in your head.
I don't think so. I'm taking you down.
TurtleTitan!
Oh, TurtleTitan.
Sweet mercy.
I wish I had a bat. I would bust you open, see how much candy fell out.
• Too tight!
• This is not happening.
• It's not happening.
• Come on.
Bravo. That was awesome.
And you were just so close to making it, too, TurtleTitan. Just so close.
• It's not over yet.
• Yeah, I think it is.
Now the only thing I need are my codes, which, judging from your text messages,
you have been so sweet as to enter them into your phone just for me.
You think I'm gonna carry the phone with me that actually contains the...
• Yello?
• Peanut TurtleTitan and Jelly.
What's up, man? So good to hear your voice.
Yeah, it's good to hear your voice, too, OfficialMSPainter.
Listen, I'm gonna have to call you back.
• What? When?
• I don't know when. I'll talk to you later.
Okay, TurtleTitan, call me back! Call me back, TurtleTitan!
I mean, this just keeps getting better and better.
I mean, you are impossible to underestimate.
I mean, you can't pass the moderator exam,
you black out if you don't have an upvote like every 20 minutes,
you had the chance to be the MVP, and you blew it.
Again, like you always do. Ain't that right, Gold Flair?
What do you want me to say, GrantVSZombies? You're smarter than me.
You're good on computers, you kept your weight under control.
I mean, people, they look at me and you, and...
Yeah, it's a landslide.
It's no contest.
Sorry.
Right now, you're the man with the Gold Flair.
So here you go.
Come on!
Go get him!
Go, TurtleTitan.
What...
Probably should have capitalized on that.
TurtleTitan!
Lock and load, boys. We're going in.
Hey, we're on the move.
Let's go.
Come on, come on, come on.
TurtleTitan. Think, TurtleTitan. Think!
Let's go, men. Take it down. Secure the suspects.
Get down!
Hold your fire! Hold your fire!
Down. The other one. That's the back one.
No, no. That's the same one. No! The other one!
GrantVSZombies got away with my Gold Flair.
Entry team, clear the subreddit. We'll pursue.
Light.
Open the door.
Let's do this.
Jimmy, give me your cell phone.
Gotta hand it to you, TurtleTitan. You're really taking care of business.
What up?
OfficialMSPainter, do you still have GPS on PaperorPlastics's cell phone?
You know I do, TurtleTitan. You know I do. What can I do for you?
I need to know where it's headed.
TurtleTitan, it looks like they're on their way to McGuire Airfield.
I know where that is. Thanks.
Hang on.
My God. There they are. Jimmy, take the wheel.
What?
Here we go! Here we go!
That was me. I can't...
Here I go! No!
TurtleTitan!
Don't do it! TurtleTitan!
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Gold Flair! Gold Flair, get inside.
• Oh, God!
• TurtleTitan!
TurtleTitan?
I really don't drink.
Come on. Oh, yeah?
• TurtleTitan!
• Come on.
TurtleTitan!
Man, that Gold Flair is a killer.
I told you I'd take you down.
TurtleTitan!
Very impressive, taking down an assailant without a Gold Flair.
I hope you don't mind if I use one.
What?
• Oh, no.
• Oh, yeah.
I guess it's off to the JonTron Discord then, huh?
Soon as I get my money.
Yeah, well, you'll be needing this.
Just give it to him, TurtleTitan.
Oh, I will. Suck on that!
Okay. Situation update?
We have seven assailants in custody, sir.
• Great. Nobody talks to them but me.
• Yes, sir.
You see, jackass? I don't need the phone.
'Cause I got all the access codes written on their arm.
Now, I kill you three, there'll be no witnesses.
And since everybody thinks this was a bank...
I got a newsflash for you. Your flight's been canceled.
That's better than anything I got.
You did good, TurtleTitan.
Yeah, I am pretty great.
You know, she doesn't need a partner.
I don't know what to say.
I have something I want to say to you.
Happy birthday, Gold Flair.
I heard you applied to be a moderator.
You say the word, my department would be proud to have you.
Thank you, sir. But I think I'm gonna stick with what I do best.
It's protecting the people of the /JonTron subreddit.

EDIT: Thank you so much, datasquid for the gilding. My being overwhelmed and loving responding to you all is even more worth it! I hope this guide will be of much use to you and everyone!
I will be continually updating this guide whenever, like if I find something interesting or if someone brings up a good point. I apologize for not including this message the first time this up high.
Added section on Sudden Death and Teammate Hero Synergy
Added tip about charging an enemy Reinhardt close range, and when it is useful for a few specific heroes.
Hello, my IGN is Leoxyn, and I've currently peaked at Skill Rank 74 on PC US servers at the moment of writing this guide.
I'm not the best of course, and I make mistakes, I can tilt and do wrong things, but I'm a competent Reinhardt player and communicative when in a proper mood.
Based on the traction that a recent highlight of mine has received, as well as my friends' and someone's request for pointers within that post, I made a guide.
There have to be guides and people more knowledgeable than I am (as proven in comments), so take this guide with a grain of salt, and it is what I know and a lot of you have knowledge of so far.
I'll be writing this guide in default PC terms as I play Overwatch on the PC US servers, and also assuming that the overall team skills are about equal.
Abilities
Reinhardt is a tank hero that is vital to most team compositions; working on either attack or defense teams.

His kit is comprised of rectangles. 

Please offer your team rectangles.

• Melee: LMB - 75 DMG, Odd rectangular hitbox. 180 degree swing.

What I mean by rectangular hitbox for this weapon is that Reinhardt's melee swing isn't actually radial. It's an actual box.
This means that people at the center of your screen can possibly be out of range, while a person slightly more to the left or right may actually get hit. Basically, you have more range to the left or right than you do the center. Spinning can essentially increase your range due to how it functions. Aiming a decent amount to the left or right may actually let you hit them.

• Barrier Field: RMB - 2000 HP, 225 HP/Sec Regen after being undeployed for 2 seconds.

Puts you in third person, deploying a large rounded rectangular barrier in front of you.
Some projectiles can pass through it (e.g. Symmetra orbs, Reinhardt's Fire Strike) If these projectiles are going to go through your shield regardless, you might as well let your shield down to let it pass through, and reactivate when safe to avoid taking free damage on your shield.
I generally don't do toggle shield, and just hold it whenever it needs to be up. When under fire, try to keep the shield as healthy as possible. Not even letting it go to zero if possible. If you're taking poke from far away to your shield (Unless it's Widowmaker and you need to protect someone), just back off as it's a waste of your shield HP.
Why I never let it hit zero is because it is possible to block a large amount of damage even with almost no HP, like if D.va ults you or your team. You can completely negate the D.va ult by bringing your shield up right when you need to, protecting both you and your team, even if it has 1 HP.

• Fire Strike: E - 100 DMG, 6 Sec CD He shoots a slow-medium speed projectile that has infinite range until it hits environment. It pierces through all enemies.

At the beginning of a round, Reinhardt on Defense can usually throw out his Fire Strike at the attacker's spawn, and sometimes get a decent amount of charge. Up to a maximum of 60% charge, of course, which would be incredible.
With a 6 Sec CD, you can throw these around quite often, just make sure there will be no consequence of it. Never Fire Strike around enemies who will take advantage of the second you lack a shield, you and your teammates might get hooked, ulted, or killed.
Around the map, I'll throw it around spots the enemy generally comes from, pre-firing. There's usually no consequence there.

• Charge: LSHIFT - 50 DMG Direct Hit, 300 DMG Pin, 10 Sec CD (3 Sec if interrupted right about when you start the charge)

Charges forward, grabbing an enemy if directly in front of you while charging. Kills everyone but tanks. A deadly mobility move.
Assess the situation you are in if you want to charge. There is split-second decisionmaking in charging an enemy.
Some questions should be:
Are there any walls that you would encounter for sure in your path, and how close are they?
Are there only a few enemy heroes left?
Is this hero out of position?
Will I be so badly out of position that it isn't worth it?
Is this hero essential to being taken out?
Can they even be taken out by the charge?
You will be able to instantly answer these questions when you get used to playing aggressively, know your matchups, and know the maps.
Suicide charging is a difficult choice to make and most times it won't be in your favor. The only notable suicide charges I would consider would be anyone who poses a major threat while Nano Boosted by Ana, sometimes Primal Rage Winston (usually just in KOTH), and in absolutely rare cases: D.va Self-Destruct (if you pin the mech before it explodes, you can survive the blast by shielding in front of it, try your best to do that instead).
You can probably charge at an enemy if that one hero has been isolated from the enemy team, without much consequence.
Basically, focus on being aware of what and where your enemies are if you do an aggressive charge, otherwise, you might end up baited into their team and erased, or possibly in a better position to ultimate if lucky.
Charging leaves you widely vulnerable. Never charge long-distance to take someone out, it's very predictable where you can end up.
Many other people can disrupt your charge, like McCree, Ana, Roadhog, Reinhardt, and Mei. Junkrat, Pharah, and Lucio can impact where you're heading too.

• Earthshatter: Q - 50 DMG, 2.5 Sec stun. Your ultimate ability. After a very short delay, Reinhardt swings his hammer down.

Absolutely massive cone of almost instant stun and medium damage.
Don't ever jump and ult. No matter how good it feels. It doesn't do extra damage, it wastes precious time. There are almost no situations to where you need to jump before ulting, unless you really need to reposition yourself that badly and need to have your ult apply when you land.
Prioritize stunning the supports and people with scary ultimate abilities with your ult if possible.
I usually don't charge into the team I ulted unless I notice an enemy support or last hero alive and the stun is about to wear off, as you can usually still do more work by not charging and going melee. If someone absolutely needs to die, I would make an exception.
Earthshatter can climb weird surfaces. It's... very wonky. This also includes people on and behind the Payload!
Example 1 Example 2 Example 3 Example 4
Mechanics

• Shield Hopping: Basically, drop shield and jump in a direction whenever, preferably as soon as your shield takes damage to reposition and reactivate shield. You move faster while doing this but make yourself a little vulnerable as opposed to just holding your shield and backing up or forward.

Example 1 if it's just one person you need to save, it may help to try and angle your shield in a position to help them.
Example 2
This is why I don't use toggle shield, and sometimes, it isn't worth doing this technique under heavy fire, or if someone is desperately waiting for that one second that you don't have your shield up to do something. Only use this when you need to reposition quickly as there is a solid second where you and everyone behind you can be shot at.
Repositioning using Shield Hopping, in some cases, will allow you to save yourself or another person. By timing your Shield Hopping when, for example, Reaper shoots into your shield or if he walks into you without anyone to help, you can negate some damage while making your escape. Under heavy fire and with teammates behind you, don't do this. Do it if there's a teammate in front of your shield who needs assistance.

• Jump Charge: Example. Makes use of air time momentum to reposition yourself to charge.

It can help get you out of spawn faster or surprise enemies around corners. Still, never use charge in long hallways where enemies can gun you from a distance. You are vulnerable while charging. You are delivering ult charge to them down a hallway.

• Animation Cancelling: Overwatch features a lot of Animation Cancelling or making use of extra time on a decent amount characters, and this includes Reinhardt.

Melee into Fire Strike
Melee into Charge (This is pretty difficult to do and generally not worth it, as your melee swing moves them a little bit and it's difficult to adjust.)
Melee into Earthshatter
Melee into Barrier Field (You usually don't do this as it isn't really worth it either. You have precious time you and your teammates can be hit because you're going to be brawling, but it is a little bit faster than just normally swinging, though you lose some arc when you swing. (If you would like to Mindgame an enemy Reinhardt, this is your choice).
Make sure your hammer reaches your crosshair before doing any move if you want to do any damage with the melee.
Just a note: since there is an Ana, if she sleep darts someone in front of you, you can cancel your impending melee damage by shielding immediately. Please do this for Ana. Don't wake up the Orange Juiced Roadhog who will probably two-hit you and the rest of your team.
Awareness
You have third person view available at almost all times. Everyone dreams they could have this to peek corners and other third person advantages. You sometimes have the best view of the battlefield, so shotcall locations if possible. You should leave the talking to your flankers or highly mobile teammates if you have poor vision at your location.
Know where your teammates are, and what threats there are on the enemy team and react appropriately.
Awareness is extremely important for Reinhardt and is a key factor in his decisonmaking, and that comes from your own ability. Consult other guides for more help on raising your awareness.
Aggressiveness
For the actual carrying part as Reinhardt. I completely forgot. Thank you moosecampbell for this entire section so far.

The most important part of being Reinhardt is knowing when to switch from passive, rectangle holder to bloodthirsty god of war. The most horrifying Reinhardts I see on the enemy team aren't the ones that constantly charge and get a double kill or two. They're not the ones that shield everything for their team and stay on the payload. The horrifying ones are the ones that, at a moment's notice, can drop their shield, capitalize on a mistake and clean up. Being Reinhardt is all about waiting for someone else to fuck up.
Sometimes you have to flank. You can sometimes catch snipers or Bastions off guard because everyone expects Reinhardt to be in front and shielding. Works best with coordination Corridors and narrow passages are great places to bait. Some people will chase you down and try to take you out if you're missing health so walking around a corner and waiting for their footsteps before charging is a nice way to get a pin. Manage cooldowns. Especially important if you're flanking. It's embarrassing to blow your ultimate on a group and then miss a priority target because your fire strike and/or charge was on CD. Less important with your team because you're not relying only on your own damage. Count shots. Not vital but it's a nice tool to use to know when to drop your shield against an opponent. Junkrat has 5 shots for example so it's usually safe to fire strike right after that and he can't retaliate if he doesn't have his mine ready Know your opponents and bait them. Roadhogs want to hook you. They will probably screw up their hook if you play mind games with them using your shield. McCrees like getting behind your team before ulting. If you don't see him in front, quickly spin behind you. - moosecampbell.

Season 1 Sudden Death
Most coin flip maps are around a minute and a half, and usually only have 1-2 team fights.
This short timer gives a little amount of time for everyone to get their ultimates. Being a passive Reinhardt here might make you lose the game if you lack that ultimate.
In my opinion, Attack Reinhardt usually wins whenever I play because I've been able to farm ultimate charge by Fire Strike on predictable positions and get picks faster than the enemy Reinhardt. Getting at least 2 Earthshatter picks onto defense teams can win you the game, based on what I've seen. I've won a few games where my team was underdog because of that.
Defense Reinhardt might be able to pin out-of-position enemies better than Attack, and probably is able to farm ultimate charge in the same fashion Attack Reinhardt, but it is much more difficult to defend even in an equally skilled matchup because I believe that coin flip maps favor Attack.
The game will most likely go to whoever can gain their ultimates faster, and make picks quicker. This goes for every hero and team, really. Even a single hero death on one team will probably mean that the other team will win the teamfight, so stay alive to your best ability.
Since defense deaths are much more valuable than attack deaths, it is believable that attack will commonly win sudden death. The time and overtime changes have balanced sudden death a lot, but I still believe that these balances cannot stop it from being attack-sided.
There are some maps that l, in my opinion, would consider a bit more defense-sided, and that would be Numbani, Hollywood, and all the KOTH maps (even though KOTH does not have sudden death). Whichever team establishes height advantage and better choke points should win.
Team Synergy
These heroes work well with Reinhardt, and are generally the heroes you want to have on your team as you can either make their lives better, or they can make your job easier.
Just because the hero isn't listed here, doesn't mean that you can't win because you have them instead of someone here.
A few of these heroes are inhibited by an enemy Reinhardt shield, so do your best in charging the enemy Reinhardt if it is beneficial to get rid of him so that your teammates can make a move successfully. These fall under the cases where a fellow Soldier 76, McCree, Zarya, etc. want to use their ultimate, but are inhibited due to an enemy Reinhardt. Get just close enough to charge so that you may get rid of that Reinhardt.
Ana
Nano Boost gives 50% increased damage 50% damage intake, and 30% increased movement speed. It's like you're a 1000 health Dragonblade Genji with 125 per swing. With this damage output, you can use Earthshatter and Fire Strike to kill most heroes immediately. Healers love tanks.
Bastion
Back in closed beta it had a shield. Now, it has you. Try to be on its right side and a little behind it because your massive hammer can impede vision.
D.va
Whenever you can't save your team from Pharah, Zarya, Reaper, Hanzo, and Mei ults, she can. She fits your shields weaknesses, and sometimes does it even better now.
These two heroes now have a similar shielding playstyle if you would like to pick her up while she is insanely strong.
Genji
Earthshatter can easily let him clean up with Dragonblade.
Lucio
Probably Overwatch's best designed support. Mobility for Reinhardt allows your entire team to get past chokepoints. Healers love tanks.
McCree
It's High Noon. If he decides to be behind your shield, at least. Sometimes he decides to flank and use Deadeye which is still good.
Mercy
Mercy loves healing tanks, and even heroes who can protect her even more so.
Soldier 76
He can aimbot behind your shield safely, but he can generally handle himself well with his own mobility and sustain. He heals as well as Lucio can in a smaller area, so I bet he could get decent ultimate charge off of you.
Widowmaker
More of a general type of thing. The ability to see everyone on the map is strategically enhances everything. Most of the time shouldn't be behind your shield, though.
Zarya
Zarya synergizes with every team. Having Zarya and Reinhardt on the same team isn't bad at all. If she barriers you, don't let it go to waste. If you and Zarya pay attention to incoming damage well enough together, Zarya might want to shield you for energy. Lower your own shield and try to eat shots until it's over.
Your ultimate combinations are insane. Try and wait until the 4 seconds of her ultimate are over to lengthen the crowd control, otherwise use your ultimate into hers of they pose a threat while grouped. If they have a Reinhardt shielding in the front of the pack, charge him, so no matter what, you're getting rid of their main defense in there.
Zenyatta
Healers love tanks. He can safely attack from behind your shield happily.
Enemy Matchups
Ana: HARD, Priority Target
200 HP.
Your buddy on your team. Worst enemy on theirs. Decent damage to your shield with 79/80 per shot.
A good Ana will ruin your day whenever you charge, or when you get ulted by your own Ana, by putting you to bed. Hopefully try and bait out her sleep dart, otherwise you're probably stunned for 5.5 seconds.
Bastion: HARD
200 HP, 100 Armor. 250 Armor in Ult form.
Say goodbye to your shield. That's 420 raw dps eating your shield away in turret form. You do, however, counter him pretty well in his ult/tank form by shielding and possibly ulting.
Never charge at this guy if they are at a great distance. You're just flying ult charge into him since your face is right there. Usually you'd never be able to sneak to or reach them before charging into them successfully... Usually.
D.va: HARD/EASY
100 HP, 400 Armor. 150 HP out of mech.
A steady 168 dps point blank into your shield. A decent amount. You don't out-DPS D.va. You can't crit, but she can. Hopefully swatting the D.va around with melee will disorient her aim so you may actually beat her.
Fire Strike is eaten by Defense Matrix as it is a projectile. New D.va absolutely counters your Fire Strike. Never throw it around where she is.
D.va is awfully slow when firing, making her an easy target to charge if she is behind your team and if they can't handle her.
Upon defeating her mech, you can hit her during the animation that she is exiting the mech for an instant 75 hp, which will be swiftly dealt with in one hit as you actually move faster than she does on foot.
Genji: HARD
200 HP.
Dude hurts. He's fast and slippery and can dash away or through you. 84 DMG every 3 shurikens. Normally shouldn't be able to fight this guy, especially when he keeps his range.
If he is deflecting, don't give him a 100 DMG projectile that can pierce through your team. Your melee doesn't do anything but move him around during this time too.
In Dragonblade, he does 120 per strike, which is 45 higher than yours. Similar to some heroes who dive onto your team, you must drop your shield and brawl if he is in ult form. Even in melee mode, he could beat you by out maneuevering you. It takes him 5 strikes at your full health and armor to kill you.
Easily shut down with your ult when he gets close to the ground. It's usually worth ulting this guy solo, as sometimes a good Genji can wipe teams instantly.
Hanzo: NORMAL/HARD
200 HP.
Uncharged Storm Bow 29 DMG, Charged Storm Bow 125 DMG. Very steady yet strong damage to your shield.
Up to 450 damage with his scatter arrows after bouncing under you. A decent Hanzo will be able to kill you whenever you don't have your shield up.
If Hanzo manages to be behind you and your shield and shoots a scatter arrow, it will bounce into you and scatter, and probably destroy you.
His only escape is his ability to climb up walls and in general being in places that you're unable to reach.
Junkrat: HARD
200 HP.
120 per grenade lobbed into you. One of the fastest shield eaters.
He can displace you from your team and fly away. If he throws his Concussion Mine onto your shield, it kinda just flops onto it and slides off, but still lands on the floor. Don't let the mine be on the inside of your shield, it's exactly what he wants.
Generally if he ults and aims to land it behind you, you can do a quick 180 and survive the blast. Most of the time. Those behind you though probably should have ran away or have shot it. If he aims the tire directly at you, a single Fire Strike can kill it easily. Listen well, and you may be able to predict where and what time the tire comes out to snipe it with Fire Strike.
Lucio: NORMAL/HARD, Priority Target
200 HP.
The only way he can get out of your reach is his speed boost, and if you manage to hit him once, you are usually able to hit him again due to its small yet useful CC. His boops are obnoxious if he manages to walk into your shield and knock you away.
As he is a support, make sure he is taken out and inside of your ult if possible. Otherwise, he'll probably save his team with his ult.
McCree: NORMAL/HARD
200 HP.
Depends. He can flashbang you above your shield or behind you. Sometimes if you are expecting it, you can jump and point a little bit upwards to block it. At close range, his flashbang is really the only problem, otherwise he's practically like Soldier 76.
You can block his ult by just remaining in front of your teammates or in front of him with your shield, or by ulting. Your shield will lose a massive amount of health due to Deadeye.
Mei: HARD
250 HP.
(You can pad your damage against Mei wall.)
It takes four swings to kill her. You would have been frozen around the second swing.
She has an invulnerability state that, if you pay attention to sound, can check when it ends by itself. If timed properly, you can charge her immediately out of that state and pin her. However, good Meis usually don't wait until the end because they can expect this.
With 70 per icicle shot, she's basically McCree but stronger against you.
She dance merrily around you and freeze you. In one way or another she'll make you vulnerable to the rest of her team if you decide to spin around with her.
Hopefully your teammates will take her out before she makes you vulnerable.
She may wall you off and single you out, so stay closer to your team.
If someone is about to be caught out by Mei's freezing, you are able to jump between them and save your teammate from being combo'd.
Your shield helps in fighting Mei by yourself as well, as you can use your animation cancelling with barrier and melee to keep resetting the applied freeze timer on you from Mei.
Mercy: VARYING, Priority Target
200 HP.
Has varying mobility depending on which of her teammates are around and where they are. The Pharmercy is the most painful. This game at the moment revolves around Mercy's ult too much.
Find every opportunity to ult her. In my opinion, it is worth it to solo ult her, as you ulting and killing 5 non-Mercy heroes will mean nothing when Mercy comes in to ruin your day.
Still, try to get as much as people as possible, including her.
Pharah: HARD
200 HP.
120 DMG per rocket, the other shield spammer.
Not much you can do. It's not your job anyways. She's airborne. Fire Strike is all you can do, even though you may miss easily.
She has a displacement capable of scattering your team amazingly. If you see her, call her out. She's your worst enemy in protecting both yourself and your team.
Her ability to fly lets her into flank spots you have never dreamed of. Listen to her flying, if possible, and alert your teammates about the incoming Pharah.
Her ult ruins your life. Don't try and Fire Strike her while she's ulting if she's aiming at you. Just protect everyone who can shoot her down within the mere seconds you have.
Reaper: HARD
250 HP.
Can't fight him by yourself as shotguns eat tanks. Never be alone.
He has an invulnerability state that has audio cues as to when he is about to leave it. Time your Fire Strike well to hit him, or... maybe your charge if it is wise to. Probably just Fire Strike.
You can easily negate his ult with yours, or even charge him, since he moves awfully slow by himself in the ult. His ult functions in a full cylinder, and you can still protect whoever is behind your shield from it. It seems to do exactly 510 damage.
Roadhog: HARD
600 HP.
Your damage is almost insignificant to Roadhog. He'll just vape in front of you and heal 300 health back.
He is a shotgun user, and his ult is a fully automatic shotgun. You need to avoid Roadhog's damage whenever possible.
You do have the capabilities to counter his hooks with your shield, of course.
This also includes the situation where if he pulls someone behind you, but you are in close enough range to Shield Hop in time to save the teammate, you're golden.
Symmetra: EASY
100 HP, 100 Shield
Up to 120 DPS when fully amped against you. It takes a decent amount of time before it is fully amped, and you definitely would have killed her by then.
Capable of giving an extra 25 HP to her teammates. This mostly only saves Tracer from another Melee swing.
Your shield blocks her turrets and beam, just not the energy balls, so let those pass through, but not through your shield if possible.
Make sure to avoid as much damage as possible from her, so generally it would be safe to lower your shield if they're just poking it.
Soldier 76: NORMAL
200 HP.
120 DMG rockets, constant shield poking, and the equivalent of Lucio healing. Runs quickly and does great damage and poke to your shield over time. If I land my first melee, I generally find it easy to continue to land another.
You can completely ruin his day as his ult isn't enough to go through your shield by himself.
Torbjorn: EASY/NORMAL
200 HP and up to 75 Armor. Molten Core up to 200 HP and 375 Armor.
Turret Lv. 1/2/3, 150/300/800 HP
He can make his entire team 75 Armor tankier if you let his team snowball from your deaths. Don't feed him, and play smart.
Shield your team while they take out the level 1-2 turrets. Charging the turrets and killing them is for fun but you should probably have someone else do it. If Torbjorn is somewhat clipped into it and right behind it, you can kill him and his turret.
Has a shotgun alternate fire that does up to 150 DMG. His normal shots are strong at 70 DMG per shot as well.
Molten Core makes him the best tank in the game and can duel just about everyone.
If you're able to either ult him or pin him, and then kill him, his turret goes back to normal from Molten Core. Prioritize him over his turret, but not over protecting your team from him.
Tracer: HARD
150 HP.
Yeah, she's basically the only character you can two-hit at this moment as Zenyatta currently has 50 HP and 150 Shield. But you still probably can't hit her.
Basically has two shotguns in her hands. It really ruins your day in KOTH if your team can't take care of her.
If Tracer decides to put sticky bomb on your shield, you have two possibilities.

1. You can drop your shield, which drops the bomb. Make sure to put the shield back up immediately.
   
2. Or, you can rotate your shield to put the bomb inside of a wall, if possible. I usually still take damage but the rest of the team is fine. This is easiest at the edge of your shield, but she shouldn't be throwing the bomb there.
   

Widowmaker: VARYING
200 HP.
Grappling hook to get away from you. Snipes the rest of your team.
She is one of the heroes that you need to be cautious of shield hopping and letting your shield down in general. Protect whoever possible, but it may not always be possible due to their usually high elevation and trickshotting capabilities. You're also not always a deathball composition so she can pick people off that are out of your reach.
In higher elo skill rating, you should know her cooldown on grappling hook is 12 seconds and that every 12 seconds, someone might die from a flying Widowmaker.
Winston: EASY/NORMAL
400 HP, 100 Armor.
Has a jump pack every 5 seconds to jump on your teammates and away from you. It has knockback on land and launch.
His Barrier Projector is capable of blocking your entire ult, but still has a small cast time. It does deploy faster than your ult, if they were to to be pressed at the same time. Be sure he doesn't have his Barrier off cooldown before you are about to ult, unless he doesn't expect it.
Yes, he may be able to zap you through your shield, but your initial armor can barely be touched by Winston, and in general, you do more DPS than he does.
Whenever Winston jumps on your teammates, you have to decide whether or not they can handle him. Otherwise, you have to drop your shield and fight him too. If it is just Winston alone, he either made a big mistake, or is ready to scatter your team with Primal Rage.
His Primal Rage allows him to swat you and your teammates around, ruining any deathball composition you had and some ability to group.
Zarya: HARD
200 HP, 200 Shield.
Her barriers ruin your kill power when you pin, fuels her damage more, and can block your ult.
Do not use Earthshatter if she has used her self-barrier and is directly in front of you. It will ruin your ult as it can negate its entirety.
Any high-priority targets that you may want to ult are protected from your ult due to her shields.
Fire Strike on her barriers give her 25 energy each. It's really easy to shield and gain energy from it too, so try to avoid giving her free energy.
A good Zarya will attempt to melt your shield before using Graviton Surge, as that's really her only problem with you. Most teams in general will want to rip apart your shield if possible before engaging. Otherwise, you'll hopefully block most of the non-ultimate damage that is coming towards you in the ult from the enemy.
Zenyatta: NORMAL, Priority Target
50 HP, 150 Shield.
While he is a tank killer with the Discord Orb of 50% increased damage intake, the only way he can Discord Orb you or your teammates is when you let your shield down and he has line of sight.
Now does 40 DMG per ball. 400 DMG with the whole volley. Incredible shield poke.
You need to ult him down or else practically no one on their team will be killable, other than being one-shotted.
He's ridiculously quick in his ult now.
Reinhardt: ?
300 HP, 200 Armor.
Both of you stare at each other, with each respective team behind their shield; Seeing which of you will mess up and lose your team the game.
Never, I repeat, NEVER Fire Strike when in Medium/Close range of an enemy Reinhardt. He will take the advantage of such a long time to ult you and your teammates.
Reinhardt's ult cannot pass through an enemy Reinhardt's shield. When you have your ult, assume that the enemy Reinhardt does as well. Unless, of course, you're beating everyone senselessly and for sure have your ult much before the enemy.
These staredowns usually go to whichever team breaks the other Reinhardt's shield first. Reinhardt can still lower his shield right before it breaks, and once again, can negate one last powerful move before it can break. This includes an enemy Reinhardt's ult.
People will pay attention to when Reinhardt's shield is actually broken so they will be sure that it is safe to initiate onto them. He states "Barrier Destroyed!" this is the queue to attack.
If timed correctly, Reinhardt can still block the other Reinhardt's ult perfectly to negate it with however little health it has, so their party has advantage. Be careful not to let your shield down until at least a second has passed. As mentioned earlier, Earthshatter is wonky and its active stun and damage portion actually lasts a little bit longer than it should.
It is usually not wise for Reinhardt to charge into another Reinhardt, as they will be leaving their team behind. What is even worse is that, like in my highlight, one Reinhardt can charge the other one without being harmed. If that is not the case and they both stun each other head-on, the Reinhardt closer to the enemy team will be obliterated by their enemy as he is defenseless and in front of everyone.
It is mostly only unwise to charge an enemy Reinhardt when he is aware of you at a distance. If there is little room between you two, whoever charges first should be able to win the trade as doing a counter charge or an ult might be too late for the other Reinhardt.
If you do manage to pin the other Reinhardt, you should be staring at some of their team without any enemy Reinhardt pressure. Ult, while they're panicked and scattered.
Reinhardt counters Reinhardt.
Sometimes the game ends up in which team had their Reinhardt be more successful.
I figure it mandatory if one team has a Reinhardt, the other team should have one as well. I may be wrong but it's what I usually see. Otherwise, a Zarya or Winston combination can work efficiently in preventing him from being aggressive well.
Extras
Wow, you guys have a lot of information that can be used in here! I've also responded and reviewed just about every comment I've seen across the multiple subs I put it across. Not everyone has the time to see everything that I and you guys have posted, so I'm going to list a lot of what you guys and I have said here in this section. Sorry that I have been unable to credit you guys properly because I was constantly editing this guide for a day when it was posted, and it's a little bit of stressful work going back and forth between subs.
For any more information related to this guide posted by you all, please refer to these comments. (Please don't take offense if I haven't listed your information here! It doesn't mean it's bad, but I may have forgotten it or have already edited it in!)
MooseCampbell detailing the difference of good Reinhardts
Small Q&A
When to Charge?
Genji & Charging tip
Hitting Roadhog & Zen + Soldier Threat
Reinhardt's Barrier POV
Attack Reinhardt vs. Chokepoints
Additional Reinhardt Tips
Pharah's Threat on Reinhardt
Some Reinhardt Habits to Avoid/Do
Specific questions
Teammates out of your reach
Ult usage, Tip in SR 50s
Zenyatta orb vs. Barriers
Charge Mindgames/Decisionmaking
Smaller Q&A
Zarya Discussion
Final Notes
I am by far not the best Reinhardt out there but I'd just like everyone to enjoy using this big guy, so I hope that this may help whoever wanted to read this.
All I really wanted to do was make a guide for my friends, but now that at least another person wanted a guide, here it is.
Please ask any more questions or scenarios that I can put my two cents into, be it PM or comment!
Tell me what else I should add, tell me if I'm wrong, tell me whatever to do to better on this character. I'm learning too!
Please continue to ask questions, comment, criticize, and tell me more about Reinhardt! I'll put try to give my input to the best of my ability, be it right or wrong.